. . . My Firewall-Routers Column

While it is not one of my favorite Bill Murray films, 2003's Lost in Translation, which was written and directed by Sofia Coppola, looked upon the often strange results that take place when language is a barrier, and as odd as it may sound, I think it is fair to say that the disconnect that resulted in my most recent Digital Grind column appears to lose its way largely down to the message being lost in translation -- or at least in this case, lost in direction.

I take total blame for that - the column was submitted and was edited during the span of several days in which due to health issues I was not available for consultation - so it was not entirely clear what it was that I intended it to say.

The fact that it appears to suggest that I do not know what NAT is or how it works, and perhaps even more startling -- that I appear to believe that computers can communicate via the Internet without having an IP Address -- crop up due to editing that was absolutely necessary due to space limitations.

To address the issue I thought it might be helpful to provide the original column below, in its entirety, and after doing so I will be directing the readers who email about it and my mistakes to it, so that they can both see where it was I intended to go and, perhaps of more importance, benefit from the lesson I had hoped to share.

So here is the original Digital Grind Firewall-RouterColumn (any errors in spelling or grammar are my own):

A typical home network with a Firewall-Router uses a mixture of wired computers / server with WiFi devices like gaming consoles, iPads, Skype-capable wireless phones, and other computing and entertainment devices that use Network Address Translation (NAT) to permit many devices to access the Internet using just one IP Address from the ISP.

Digital Grind Firewall Column

While it has a number of related meanings, the phrase “security through obscurity” is most often used to describe a belief that a computer or network with nothing of interest on it is safe from intrusion because it should not interest an outsider.

That notion can appear to be quite sensible, but consider this: In modern terms the phrase is also a pejorative among computer and network security engineers, having the same definition but interpreted as a dangerous fallacy not to be relied upon under any circumstances.

The reason for that is very simple: there doesn't actually have to be anything of value on a network or a computer to make it a target; access alone is reason enough to justify an attack.

That basic truth is why we go to so much effort in protecting our computers; why we keep the OS and apps up-to-date with respect to security patches and bug-fixes, why we run anti-virus and malware suites, and why security awareness extends not just to software but also to hardware.

These steps, combined with safe Internet use as well as common sense precautions, represent standard proactive and responsible efforts for establishing and maintaining a safe computer system and environment, but there is still the matter of securing your network to be considered.

The Network Connection

Modern network architecture consists of a 'net connection using a modem (for DSL) or a router (for cable or fiber) connected to which are one or more computers, network appliances, and 'net-aware consumer electronics like network-ready TVs and DVRs.

Assigned a valid IP address by your Internet service provider, the modem or router functions as the gateway device allowing every system on your network to communicate with the Internet, and vice versa using a scheme called Network Address Translation, or NAT.

Without NAT every device on a network needs a valid IP Address to access the Internet. With NAT any number of computers or devices can be connected to the world beyond, requiring only a single valid IP Address.

In the time that it took me to write this, according to the security logs on my firewall it was scanned by ten different potential attackers.

The fact that they were not targeting me specifically offers very little comfort; they were scanning the block of IP Addresses owned by my ISP to see which customers are connecting without basic security protection.

This sort of approach works because the function of the modem/router is to pass traffic to and from the Internet, and it will do that without any consideration for whether that traffic is legitimate or hostile. It is only a matter of time then, before they locate a weakness in a system on the network and compromise it.

Once that happens, in addition to the most obvious targets like banking and credit information, they can also turn the resources of the network to a variety of purposes -- like hosting pirated software or porn, or using it as a launch-point for attacking other networks and computers.

The Firewall

While the mix of anti-malware and virus programs, keeping your systems patched and up-to-date, and taking care to surf responsibly are a good start, the foundation of your network security is found in a device called a firewall-router.

Named for the partition wall used in commercial buildings to prevent the spread of fire, a network firewall is a hardware device whose function is very much like the moat and gate of a castle. It sits between your network and the Internet, serving as a gatekeeper for all of the traffic passing between them.

It has two basic jobs to perform: the first is to ensure all of the traffic coming in is legitimate, while making your network invisible from the Internet side. The second is providing a level of convenient connectivity to you.

If the modem or router you received from your ISP is the only device between your network and the Internet, you need to buy and deploy one today. The good news is that you can do this yourself because the arcane has been engineered out of these devices.

Installing a firewall on your network requires no technical knowledge beyond the ability to follow basic directions, swap network cables, and use a web browser-- nearly anyone can install and configure one.

Healthy competition among manufactures has also resulted in something of a boon for consumers, because the current generation of firewall-router happens to be a feature-rich and interesting one. And they have never been as inexpensive as they are today.

Intended to replace other older devices on your network -- particularly WiFi routers and network-accessible storage devices -- they sport features like traffic shaping and offer a measure of control over your network and how it can be used that may surprise you.

Most include a minimum of four wired ports as well as WiFi service, USB ports, and the best standard encryption and speeds available, so deciding which firewall-router you need is down to determining what added features you want -- and then selecting from the models that provide them.

Security for Gamers

If you have gamers in the house -- and on your network -- D-Link makes a line of firewall-routers that are engineered specifically with them in mind. The DGL-5500 / AC1300 Gaming Router is designed to detect when gaming devices are used and optimize traffic in support of that activity.

Its tube-like form naturally blends into the background, while its Streamboost feature and advanced UPnP support manages the traffic on your network to ensure that your PC and Console gamers get the bandwidth priority that they need for lag-free play.

With full support for the 802.11a/b/c/g/n WiFi standards, the AC1300 offers concurrent dual-band connectivity at some of the highest speeds currently available, but more important it supports both the established WiFi standards as well as the newest.

Basic security features include WPA/WPA2 wireless encryption, an SPI firewall, and anti-spoof checking, while its robust parental controls offer an added measure of convenience. Parents can specify -- device by device -- when games can be played and when they cannot, and the parental controls even permit site blocking.

Security plus Storage

For network security that also offers network-accessible backup storage, Netgear's Centria N900 (WNDR4700) neatly fits the bill.

Touted as an “All-in-One” solution, the N900 functions as a WiFi Firewall-router, Media Server, and Automatic Back-up Server supporting 802.11 b/g/n WiFi standards as well as Wireless N Dual Band.

The N900 fits into the new range of firewall-routers called “Storage Routers” thanks to the hard drive slot concealed behind a door in the side and its ReadyShare timed back-up App. Consumers have the option of adding their own SATA2 hard drive in sizes up to 2TB (the WNDR4720 model comes with a 2TB drive pre-installed).

The N900 supports WPA/WPA2 encryption and provides backup services to a wide variety of WiFi equipped devices, including notebook computers, tablets, PCs and Macs, and your iPad or smart phones.

Security plus Media

With the Internet now into traditional entertainment media thanks to streaming movies and TV, the WD My Net N750 HD Dual-Band Router from Western Digital is a stand-out firewall-router for networks heavy on media.

The N750 offers full support for 802.11 a/b/g/n WiFi standards with speeds up to 750 Mbps. With its WPA/WPA2 encryption and SPI firewall, the low-profile form blends into any entertainment center, and includes four Gigabit wired ports for connecting game consoles, DVRs and other media devices.

Smart HD streaming allows you to watch videos with accelerated steaming via its FasTrack technology, which delivers HD streams to multiple devices at the same time with combined speeds of up to 750 Mbps.

Firewall Protection

Each of these routers feature easy to use web-based configuration interfaces, with basic setup instructions that anyone can follow to quickly and conveniently get them working with the hardware already on a network.

While they differ in terms of special network and entertainment focus, each supports the standard set of security features, offering a level of protection you should expect from what is, after all, the foundation of your broadband network security.

The criteria now used for selecting a model tends to focus on what extra features and services you most desire -- and to some degree how your network is used -- so in the final analysis with security through obscurity no longer an option (if it ever was), adding a firewall-router to your network is the best path to ensuring its protection now and in the future.

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Final Notes

I apologize sincerely to my readers who may have found the path in the version that appeared in the paper a bit circuitous and I apologize to my editor for my failure to make clear the purpose and the direction that I intended to take.

From here on I will endeavor to prevent those mistakes from ever happening again.

Cheers!

. . . CDC Identified Previously Unknown “Tuesday-Flu” Epidemic

The mysterious and widespread illness that severely impacted rail and air transportation, the financial sector, manufacturing, and public services industries in nearly every major city in the United States this Tuesday AM has been identified as a previously unknown variant of “G4M3r Flu.”

Researchers at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the CDC National Center for Environmental Health, with assistance from CDC Division of Bio-Terrorism Preparedness and Response in Atlanta, succeeded this morning in identifying the virus.

“What we have here is a previously unknown strain of the G4M3r Flu,” Dr. Benjamin F. Pierce of the CDC's rapid-response unit, explained to the assembled news media outside the CDC′s Roybal Campus in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

“Interestingly enough, agents from the Division of Bio-Terrorism Preparedness and Response were able to walk-back what develops was a series of simultaneous infection vectors,” Pierce revealed.

“It appears that all of the vectors originate from the very same Patient Zero -- or rather Patients Zero, as in plural.

“It seems that some time last week the pair were initially exposed to the new strain of a previously unknown secret virus due to improper sanitation habits -- they shared a bottle of champagne without using glasses -- at a development studio located at Calton Square 1, Greenside Row, Edinburgh, Scotland.

“Patients Zero -- they are brothers from the same mother but with very potty-mouths -- have been identified as Dan and Sam Houser -- and were evidently celebrating some sort of event related to their businesses, and giving a speech to staff at the original infection vector in Edinburgh.

"I would also like to add Hotel Oscar Lima Yankee Sierra Hotal India Tango! just because I like to sound cool that way," Pierce said. 

After quaffing an ice-cold can of Rockstar Energy Drink -- available in over 20 amazing flavors in over 30 countries -- Pierce continued his address to the press while smacking his lips audibly and repeating "Nom, Nom, Nom!"

“As near as we can determine, the pair then proceeded by private business jet -- the bastards -- to perform similar talks at locations in Leeds, Lincoln, and London, before departing the UK.

“They then traveled to North America, making stops in Andover, Massachusettes, New York City, and Toronto, before flying on to San Diego, and finally to an undisclosed location in Japan.

“It appears that at each of these stops the pair delivered the same speech, and then proceeded to repeat the same very unsanitary sharing of beverages -- champagne,” Dr. Pierce explained.

“What we can be sure of is that the virus was both created and spread -- the distinction is not clear at the present time -- by the Houser brothers, who then passed it on to wave after wave of apparently willing victims throughout the world.

“The rapid spread of the 0-Day virus -- which has now been formally named as GTA-V -- transitioned to epidemic levels by 23:59 this past Monday -- that would be 16 September -- and as unbelievable as this sounds, within 24 hours infected something on the order of nearly 14-million first-wave victims!

“No wonder nobody showed up for work on Tuesday morning!” Pierce declared.

Willing Victims line up to be infected with 0-Day GTA V Influenza, increasing the odds that they will not be in for work the in the morning by, oh, I don't know?  100 percent?

Unique Circumstances to Blame for Simultaneous Global Infection

In this case a startling but unique set of circumstances permitted nearly simultaneous global infection and the subsequent spread of the virus before any national agencies became aware of the dangers.

Calling the official reaction a “Colosse au pied d'Argile” members of the French version of the CDC called for a retreat while Congress in the United States and Australia held emergency sessions to determine if video game violence could somehow be related to the nearly 14-million dollars in sales for GTA-V.

Sources close to the studio that created the game offered this official response to those allegations: “Duh?!”

While hard numbers are presently unavailable, sources in the know at parent company 2K speculate that the numbers for 17 September 2013 will easily exceed the infection rate from the previous outbreak of 29 April 2008, and pointed out that nobody held them responsible for the massive loss of productivity and man-hours during the GTA-IV Pandemic, so it would not really be fair to do so for this one...

The “0-Day GTA” virus -- now understood to be a variant of the “G4M3r influenza virus” has been reported to be more effective than Viagra in at least 439,721 cases reported in the United States, including 14 in Indiana, 2 in Michigan, 1 in Illinois, and 1 in Ohio, in which the effects lasted for way longer than four hours.

There has been one hospitalization due to a panic attack caused when the victims Xbox 360 displayed the "Red Ring of Death," though no actual deaths beyond that one documented Xbox 360 have been recorded among the patients.  

It should be noted that absolutely NO human-to-human spread has been identified because that capability will not be available until 1 October of this year.

When this virus occurs in teenagers, it is called “unauthorized access to an M-Rated Title” by the ESRB, whose approval is sought but entirely superfluous considering how bent the rating board is in Australia -- we are just saying.

Infection Vector - Insert Disc 1

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Too much time on my hands, it's ticking away with my sanity

I've got too much time on my hands, it's hard to believe such a calamity

Merida: A Strong and Honest Female Role Model?

Last year when Disney Studios added the newest epic animated feature film “Brave” to their stable of girl-focused and romantic animated epic motion pictures, the film was released to theaters to a very wide embrace by fans of the studio, and it ended up being one of the (on average) three films I saw that year in a theater.

This post is actually about Brave, but before I can address my points in that area, I have to digress into a completely unrelated set of thoughts and observations because that is how I roll. You, the reader, are encouraged to read this digression largely because you might enjoy reading it but mostly because I asked you nicely and I spelled all the words correctly.

Another point in favor of you actually reading all of this instead of just skipping ahead to the bits about Brave would have to include the fact that I have made considerable efforts at being amusing while at the same time keeping the threads of this post and its observations on-topic, and that my Nanna would very much appreciate you reading it.  Just saying...

Film Viewing Habits of the Australian-American and Parenthood

My altered film viewing habit is an interesting (to me) statistical anomaly that may very well be one of the prime markers of old age and change - largely because it represents a major alteration of lifestyle.

In my salad days it was not uncommon for me to take in fifty or more movies a year at theaters, but now three is actually on the high-end of the statistic. Film has always been a weekend passion for me and especially good film, though I found after having children my willingness to tolerate bad film had somehow and without warning evaporated.

In fact my newly noted inability (or perhaps unwillingness?) to tolerate this sort of thing has altered my own personal entertainment patterns to the point that, it has partially redefined what I consider to be acceptable and polite behavior.  This is particularly true as it applies to my interaction with tradesmen and managers at service-providing institutions.

A perfect example of this change can be found in instances where I find myself sitting in a theater and the film turns bad; the previous incarnation of me would have tolerated the badness, even looking for something good in order to replace that bad opinion.

The present-day incarnation of me is a lot less likely to seek out the good in the bad.  In fact I am very likely to calmly retreat to the box office and insist that they return my money for the ticket AND provide me with a sincere apology for selling me said ticket!

This reaction is, I suspect, largely prompted by my growing acceptance that life is short and, for me, growing increasingly shorter, and that being the case when I am confronted with substandard or what I personally feel are unacceptable standards, such as the clearly flawed and inadequate efforts on the part of everyone involved in creating the complex series of events that resulted in my purchasing a ticket to a movie called "Bring It On" for the massive amount of $12.50 that, while I could get the ticket cost refunded, still left the matter of the 35 minutes I spent watching it in the theater which I could not get refunded to me.

My best mate Geof says this new behavior is a manifestation of the snobbery with which I was raised - an observation that may appear on its face to be an insult but which, I can assure you, was actually intended as a compliment.

The proof is in the pudding, and in this case the pudding is that when Geof is contemplating viewing a movie he often will text or ring me to ask if I have seen it first, and if so, what did I think of it?

Geof believes that my opinion has distinct value. He feels that it serves as an assessment that is far more reliable than the commercial efforts of movie reviewers both online and in print in other words. You hear that Mister Boston Globe Managing Editor?! “Distinct Value!”

The Changing Measure of Tolerance

As I aged and began the complicated process of procreation - which I define as a planned team effort between my wife and I in which I pretty much did all of the heavy lifting - it all comes down to the vanishing of my previous willingness to seek out reasons to be pleased by that and other social experiences.

I don't want to fluff-over the whole having kids thing like most adults of my generation tend to do, because it was not the simple practically automated experience it is often presented as. I can assure you that a lot of serious effort when into creating our children!

Being a parent is complicated

There was the planning out of the genetic markers to be passed on; sculpting of physical appearance and other important traits; allocating brain structure components to ensure spectacular results in the areas of memory, learning retention, hand-eye coordination, and the many other complicated elements that are absolutely required when your aim is to create brilliant children.

When you consider that most of the actual engineering that went into the design and creation of my son and daughter took place at night, with no safety nets, no OSHA supervision, utilizing the sort of focus and concentration not to mention patience that is normally only found in Pokemon Games, and you cap that off with the observation that almost all of the work took place in an environment that was hot, sweaty, tightly enclosed and noisy (when we were doing it right anyway), I am confident that you will easily appreciate the effort and self-discipline that was required to obtain the favorable results that we did, and for which I take nearly full credit.

Since you understand the care and effort that was taken in actually creating the children, the ongoing concern that we have and the responsibility we have accepted in providing them with a proper upbringing and education, including passing on proper moral values should not come as much of a surprise, right?

Modern Parenthood

There is an easily defined division in society when you reach this point in the circle-of-life; it rapidly and automatically sorts the good from the bad and you quickly discover who is a good parent and who is not.

The simple definitions are almost always the best, and in simple terms there are the 10% of parents we all know we are part of that do an excellent job of creating and raising their children, and then there is the remaining 90% that is made up of everyone else - basically they being couples who are destined to take up their ignoble place as follows:

The Victims of Parenthood - this class consists of 70% of the remainder, widely perceived as casual parents of the sort that get the job done with noted success.  There is nothing wrong with this group or this segment of society!

In fact the legitimate case can be made that while the previously mentioned 10% from which our own children are placed represents the grease that keeps the world and our society functioning, this even more important 70% arguably represent the cogs, gears, dust bins, conveyor belts, and other machinery with which society simply cannot function lacking.

Besides that, just where do you think all of the support personnel sourced for everything from corporate culture to the military comes from? India?

Well, alright you have me there; a significant percentage do in fact come from India, but that is not the point; the point is the answer to the following very crucial question: If they did not exist, would YOU want to do their job?

Ozzy Osbourne (left) and wife Sharon (right) - with first wife Thelma Riley Ozzy is dad to Jessica Starshine Osbourne Hobbs (1972) and Louis John Osbourne (1975), and adopted dad to her son Elliot Kingsley (1966). With second wife Sharon (pictured), Ozzy is dad to Aimee (1983), Kelly (1984) and Jack (1985).

Joking aside, for most couples family comes first - or it should.  Especially if you are a rock star.  Just saying...

The 50K Volt Cattle Prod

The Fifteen Minutes Brigade - the remaining 20% of parents who provide their society with the literal momentum to move forward in the form of crucial elements of offspring who help reinforce and define the meaning behind the expression “15 Minutes of Fame” while at the same time offer us the badly needed examples with which are formed the moral values and fears of our own children (Go to bed now or the Smith boy will climb through the window and slice off your thumbs!) and how was that for a really good run-on sentence?

Before you throw down your computer and declare “That bloke is doing nothing but repeat stereotypes and it is all utter nonsense!” consider this: if you throw down your computer it will probably get broken!  But I see your point. 

The 20% in all of its many subsets really does do a lot for our culture and for the society of the world. Or is that world society? I get the two confused; I know that they both mean different things, but there you have it.

The important thing for you to understand is that this remaining 20% is clearly divided into smaller groupings that range from the far-left to the far-right and all that exists in-between on the moral spectrum.

Portions of that divided population being very valuable to society (some might even argue that they are crucial considering that one of the smaller elements measuring less than half of 1% is the group from which Presidents spring), this and other factors are thought to be behind the unilateral justification for the unspoken support for which this group is clearly provided by society in general.

To be clear here, this is the grouping made up from the parents of the children who are absolutely

necessary - one is tempted to say critically important - to the ongoing battle against boredom in western culture and society.

They are the segment of society from which politicians, actors and actresses, law enforcement, musicians and singers - in fact entertainers of all types - and in particular from which talk show hosts and other role models spring forth! It is therefore a worthy effort and one we can feel if not proud, than at least not ashamed, for supporting in its fullness.

One very good example of our continuing support for the 20% is the Rhodes Scholarships (and the slightly less well-known but no less important Marshall Scholarships) that are largely responsible for ensuring that the temper tantrum popularly known as the American Revolution did not result in the permanent loss of the exchange of popular-culture to the point that Americans are unable to appreciate British Humor.

It would be an absolute crime if the American palate evolved to the point that it was no longer able to understand the subtleties of Dawn French (French & Saunders / TheVicar of Dibley / Jam & Jerusalem), Billy Connolly aka The Big Yin (The Boondock Saints / Lemony Snicket's A Series of UnfortunateEvents / Gulliver's Travels), or Alastair Mackenzie (Monarch of the Glen / Snuff-Movie).

There are other awards, prizes, efforts, subsidies, make-work programs (Congress anyone?) and the like but we need to get off the train at this stop because the rambling digression that this post has become actually ended up somehow taking the right train and thus has resulted in our arriving in about as close to the address we wanted in this neighborhood anyway, so here we go!

The Disney Effect

When Brave was released my daughter was still 14-years-old, but more important, she was still on the side of 14-years-old that retains that innocent and wide-eyed view of the world that happens to be just about the best thing about being a 14-year-old that there is.

That being the case, taking the family to see Brave not only made perfect sense, but it also provided what has to be the best opportunity to expose a still formative 14-year-old to a strong but positive female role-model -- well, OK, technically that would be a strong but positive ANIMATED female role model in a film, but still, you get the idea.

Now here is the thing... I knew that the character of Merida in the film was a strong and positive female lead character and, hey, let us be honest, a HERO of a female lead role and character.

I also knew that with the exception of Lara Croft (pictured left and whose role in the most recent prequel, though a bit on the breathy side, was still WAY better than how she was portrayed in the first game in the series) there are so few primary and lead characters in film OR in games that are both positive AND happen to present the character with both a realistic body type and the sort of emotional flaws that are often found in general in the human population, that no matter how you sliced it Merida was a good role model.

Not that I wanted my daughter to be running around the woods behind our house with a bow and bunch of lethal arrows looking for a werewolf to slay or anything...

The thing is I really and genuinely liked and admired the character of Merida - who is played and voiced by the Scottish actress Kelly Macdonald. You might recognize her from some of her other roles, but I mostly know her as the second-cousin of my mother-in-law, and for her appearance in a variety of interesting roles in film and on TV.

For example she played the character of Helena Ravenclaw (aka the Grey Lady or the Ghost of Ravenclaw) in the Harry Potter films, and she was Carla Jean Moss in the film No Country for Old Men which I liked a lot but mostly because Tommy Lee Jones is one of my favorite actors.

She was Evangeline in Nanny McPhee, Diane in Trainspotting, Mary Maceachran in Gosford Park, and Kelly Drummond in the film In the Electric Mist, but the role for which most American movie and TV viewers are the most likely to recognize her voice from would have to be that of Margaret Thompson in the Sopranos-influenced epic mob/OC tale Boardwalk Empire.

Before you even think of going there, I freely admit that yes, it did happen.

When Brave started and we began to become immersed in the characters that were being presented and introduced to us on screen as the voice of Merida narrated I experienced an inappropriate mental vision - a fleshy snippet if you will - of an attractive and well-endowed but very nude young woman standing in the middle of a dress shop surrounded by couture that was decidedly of the 1920's era.

That was it - there was nothing blue about it - and while I knew that this was a memory of something that I had actually seen somewhere, I could not place from where.

At first I thought maybe I was seeing someone who sounded like Merida, but clearly not, and as I was not aware of who the actress was who was voicing the character on the screen (I would have made the connection instantly if I had known) I was at a loss to explain it.  So I leaned in and whispered to my wife “Does her voice sound familiar to you?”

Nucky and Peggy from Boardwalk Empire - the voice caused great confusion for me.

Yvonne gave me her patented and secret Pirate Smirk which is itself too cute for words (you have to see it to understand but it is a very endearing expression that never fails to cause my heart to race) and she says to me: “Can't get the naked girl out of your mind?”

Right, let me explain something first... My wife knows me.  She knows me well. She knows me better than any other human on the planet, including my mother.  To my wife I am an open book of well-worn if dog-eared pages. Emotionally I may as well be a DNA printout, because that is how well she knows me. But this? This was too much.

As convinced as I was that she knew me, I really sincerely did not think she knew me THAT well, and I freely admit that for the briefest of moments I was absolutely convinced that my wife was somehow able to read my mind.

“Ahrrrrr?” I said.

“Shh!” my daughter Autumn hushed.

“There is a special place in Hell for people who talk in movie theaters,” my son Peter cautioned.

“It's Nucky's wife Chris,” Yvonne whispered back.

“Nucky's wife is not named Chris, her name is Margaret,” I replied.

“No, you're Chris!” Yvonne said in exasperated whisper.

“Shhhhh!” Autumn hushed.

It finally clicked into place for a Kodak Moment...

The reason I was seeing that naked girl was because that naked girl was now the ginger-haired heroine on the screen. Her voice was triggering the memories, and the disturbing bit was I had not been able to make the connection.

Now the connection was made the mystery was solved, and I could go back to enjoying the story.  But then I mentally paused to consider something.

“How do you know I wasn't seeing an image of her with Nucky in a pink dress in a restaurant?” I asked.

“Shh!” Autumn hushed.

A Positive Role Model

The character of Merida - if you have not yet seen the animated motion picture Brave from Disney - is that of a teenaged young Princess. 

This sort of Princess...

Not the Princess Di sort of Princess mind you, more like the two girls from the mini-series A Game of Thrones sort, being that she is a member of the ruling family of a small mountain holding (actually there are a lot of similarities to AGoT if you think about it, and I was).

She was innocence and light and coincidentally also happened to be on that side of fourteen I was previously hinting about; the side of fourteen my daughter was at when we were seeing Brave. 

It is a fleeting all-too-brief period in which the young girl has an imperfect understanding of the world and how they relate to it yet retains the wide-eyed innocence that when combined with a wide-ranging optimism and the notion that life, whatever life means, is wide open and full of opportunities for them.

Oh sure, life will beat that out of them pretty quick once they get past High School and enter University, but hey I am one of those fathers who thinks that we should nurture that outlook for as long as we can, so providing a role model - even an animated role model - of a girl who has a genuine girlishness about her, and who was not carved with a surgeon's blade to present the unrealistic (I personally think it is also unattractive) hourglass shape... Well, you get the idea.

Not this sort of Princess...

Merida had a lot going for her. For one thing, she had a wide-eyed fascination for the world. Of even greater importance she was not allowing the world to dictate to her who she was.  While that really was a foundation element for her character it also happens to be a big deal for girls that age.

Of course I am speaking only from the slightly less-than-confused position of an observer, but I remember being a fourteen-year-old-boy and I cannot imagine that the process of surviving that stage of life is any easier for girls than it was for boys, right?

Rather than spend her days knitting or cross-stitching (or whatever it was that girls did then) she had a favorite war horse she liked to ride whose name I am pretty sure was Angus, and she had her bow and arrows - after watching the movie a bunch of times and paying close attention to her weapons as only a true SCA Geek will do, I have come to the conclusion that her bow is a composite recurve and maybe just a little on the small size for her height.

A capable girl with the right tools makes for a pretty awesome hero!

In addition to her bow and arrows, Merida had a biodag (it is pronounced beedak) that was around 25cms (or roughly 9 inches) in length, which would have been appropriate for her height. The Biodag is a traditional weapon for the affluent Highlander of which Merida would have been considered, and was often kept in a sheath with one or more smaller knives, attached to a special dirk belt which was called a criosan biodag (pronounced creeshan beedak) - which we actually see in the movie.

When you factor in her bow, her knife, her horse and other pets, her sense of adventure, and a willingness to promote the idea that just because that was not the way that OTHER girls looked at life did not mean that it was wrong for HER to look at life that way, you get the whole package - a great role model for girls.

Then you add in her intelligence and quick grasp for the solution to avoiding the wedding she clearly does not want right now - watch the video above - and you really see the hero in the girl!

Disney Meddles

Due to all of those positive images and qualities, Merida very rapidly became the hero for little girls of a certain age everywhere. Not only that, she became the hero of the parents of little girls of a certain age everywhere.

Obviously we cannot wish for our daughters to be an animated ginger-haired girl princess from some out-of-the-way holding in the mountains of Scotland, but by gosh we can hope that our daughters would have the positive self-image, the adventuresome spirit, and the genuine pure quality of soul that this girl has.

Clearly Merida was not interested in experimenting with the drugs in the medicine cabinet in her parents bathroom. She had no desire to obtain a tramp stamp before age 18, and her idea of a good time involved fresh air, and not a YouTube of a girl enjoying fresh air - hey, it had to be said.

Disney decided it was time for Merida to join the ranks of its other Princesses...

The blokes at Disney are far from stupid, and they quickly realized that in Merida they had found their next Disney Princess.  The blokes at Disney are dumb as a bag of hammers.

The reason I say that is that having recognized Merida as the next obvious recruit for the Disney Princess Brigade, which includes luminary princesses celebrated on a site(1) Disney created just to celebrate their other princesses who are drawn from previous epic animated movies, including Ariel (The Little Mermaid), Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), Belle (Beauty and the Beast), Cinderella, Jasmine (Aladdin), Mulan, Pocahontas, Rapunzel, Snow White, and Tiana (The Princess and the Frog), adding Merida to the troop makes a lot of sense.

In fact adding Merida to the Disney Princesses does make sense, it is just how they decided to do it that makes no sense!  And therein lies the rub. They recognized in Merida the qualities of a Disney Princess, and then they took her and gave her the required makeover in order to turn her into a Disney Princess.

Basically ALL of the qualities that made her popular in the hearts of the young girls who found in Merida a hero and a role model are the antithesis of the qualities that are found in a Disney Princes!

Look at the following BEFORE and AFTER image and you should pretty much get the idea:

Her first procedure was cosmetic eye surgery to add a more almond-like appearance to her eyes in order to remove the rounder peasant-like eye shape so typical of the Scottish Highlands.  After she healed up she next went under the knife to have her cheeks re-shaped, raising the upper ridge of the cheekbones in order to present a more striking and pronounced facial shape.  After she healed from that, plastic surgery for her mouth obtained the more desirable bow-shape and a smaller mouth size overall. 

Her hair was heavily treated to smooth it out and add curls, and a lapband procedure followed by liposuction to shape her hips and belly more in line with the patented "Disney Princess look" almost completed the package.  All that was left was to have her undergo breast augmentation to create a bustline that was more sympathetic to the off-the-shoulder dress, and voila!  A Natural Disney Princes!  Total cost in surgery and procedures: $190K.  Results: Priceless!

A friend of mine who works in a doctor's office reviewed the procedures that must have been done to get her to look this way (read the caption above) and worked out the total cost at something like $190K if she used a Hollywood surgery group with a solid rep.  She notes though that if she had the procedures done in Boston it would have only cost around $100K.

Though the miracles of modern cosmetic surgery an innocent wide-eyed hero of a girl who was the star of the film Brave is now a carved and artfully arranged "Hottie" fit to work the pole at the finest of gentleman's clubs.  Way to go Disney!

A Princess in the Rough?

In an email recently sent to the editor of the newspaper the Marin Independent Journal, the writer and co-director of the film “Brave” and the woman who helped to create the character of Merida, Brenda Chapman (I personally suspect that her getting an Academy Award for Brave was partly to recognize her help in creating this more realistic and healthy role model that is Merida), had this to say:

“Merida was created to break that mold -- to give young girls a better, stronger role model, a more attainable role model, something of substance, not just a pretty face that waits around for romance …

“They have been handed an opportunity on a silver platter to give their consumers something of more substance and quality -- THAT WILL STILL SELL -- and they have a total disregard for it in the name of their narrow minded view of what will make money.”

I think that we can safely paraphrase that sentiment in another way: Disney, this was a test. You failed.


Notes:

(1) http://princess.disney.com/

. . . when the law goes too far.

We live in a world in which placing the blame is often more important than fixing the problem, and based upon the events that are unfolding in Western Pennsylvania and its border state, Ohio, over the past week, the case of Butler County v. Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby may end up being a classic example of how the powers of law are often abused by small-minded officers of the court bent on personal revenge.

That is one way to look at the situation, but if claims made by the Sowersby family are found to merit closer examination, what this may actually be is another case of Corporate Greed and the abuse of the law by underhanded Corporate Stooges seeking to possess information that clearly does not belong to them, which is just the sort of activities that the Occupy Movement has been trying to warn the world about since its founding in September, 2011.

Punxsutawney Phil facing possible Capital Punishment

According to Butler County (Ohio) Prosecuting Attorney Michael T. Gmoser, he awoke on the morning of 22 March 2013 to a cold and blustery day and, not content to embrace the suck and live through another cold day in Ohio, resolved to make a difference and do something about it. 

Reasoning that he was put in charge of the Butler County Prosecutor's Office specifically to look out for and protect not just the interests of the citizens of that county but, if we stretch the point, the rest of Ohio, and also to protect them from the knowing actions of criminal scammers and scams of all types and sizes. 

Prosecuting Attorney Gmoser has been accused of abusing the law.

That realization sparked a series of thoughts in his mind as he awoke and went through the process of completing his morning ablutions.  According to a highly placed and very reliable source who wishes to remain nameless, the decision on whether or not to indict and charge a defendant is often made either in bed, in the shower, on the toilet, or during long lunches.

Gmoser is portrayed as a family man with a hands-on approach to every aspect of life, from raising children to prosecuting the bad guys in court, and likes to use anecdotes drawn from his everyday life as he addresses the Jury in closing arguments.  

The Anatomy of an Indictment

Gmoser is rumored to be in the process of creating three new motions and a discovery document to file with the court in the case of Butler County v. Sowerby, with sources claiming that he will be filing a request for funds to pay three expert witnesses to support a possible added charge of Interfering with Air Traffic Controllers, which while it is a stretch, could force the defendant to hire at least three new attorneys in order to defend the charge.

That is not an unusual tactic for Prosecutors today; adding additional charges often forces a defendant to seek a plea agreement due to the added expenses of defending themselves in multiple jurisdictions and courts.

His decision to begin the long and involved process of bringing charges against Sowerby was no different than the same decision on other cases, according to a source in his office.  "You have to have resolve and pretty good legal skills," the source advised.  "Plus being really pissed off at the defendant helps.

The charges that Gmoser intends to file include fraud and deception, and though such charges rarely include application of the death penalty, Gmoser has made it crystal clear that he intends to seek the death penalty in this case, reasoning that the circumstances of Sowerby's ongoing criminal enterprise warrants that level of punishment.

"Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause people to believe that Spring would come early," the indictment reads.  

Phil exercising his 1st Amendment Rights to Predict Weather

Concerned about the broad-reaching consequences the alleged fraud may have, from the financial risks that are posed to businesses and investors who rely upon the predictions made with respect to the arrival and the nature of Spring for investing, for the process of determining when to begin construction projects, and a host of other large value projects, Gmoser points out that the scammer he is going after in this indictment poses an ongoing and serious risk to society.

"He's already serving a life sentence behind bars, as you know," Gmoser told reporters from television station WXIX. Convinced that he intentionally misled the nation, Gmoser feels that the only right action is to apply the most extreme punishment allowed by law.

"I woke up this morning and the wind was blowing, the snow was flying, the temperatures were falling, and I said 'Punxsutawney, you let us down,' " the prosecutor told WXIX.

Who is this Criminal Meteorologist?

 

Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby, of 301 East Mahoning St., Punxsutawney PA, is by all accounts a quiet law-abiding family man and resident of Punxsutawney, a borough in Jefferson County, Pennsylvania, in the United States. 

He has no criminal record, and other than his hobby as an amateur meteorologist, holds no professional licenses, bonds, or permits according to our inquiry with the Pennsylvania Secretary of State's Office.  

According to a statement made by his wife, Phyllis Sowerby, who declined to be interviewed by the press, Phil is being targeted by Cincinnati-based Fortune 500 mega-corporation Procter & Gamble, who she is convinced is using Gmoser as a legal stooge in its efforts to put pressure on Sowerby to reveal the source for the “elixir of life” that is allegedly behind his unusually long life -- the amateur meteorologist is rumored to be celebrating his 125th birthday this year.

“Proctor & Gamble want the formula and they will stop at nothing to get it,” Phyllis Sowerby is rumored to have said in an interpreted statement to local police.

The police in Punxsutawney appear to be taking the claims seriously, and have relocated Sowerby and his family to a more secure safehouse located adjacent to the Punxsutawney Police Station at 301 E. Mahoning St., Punxsutawney, PA. 

The safehouse is wired for both sound and video, with a number of closed-circuit security cameras that feed monitors at the Police Station that are now being manned around the clock  out of concern for Phil's safety. 

‘‘Right next to where Phil stays is the police station,’’ Bill Deeley, president of the Punxsutawney club that organizes Groundhog Day event warned. ‘‘They've been notified, and they said they will keep watching their monitors.’’

Deeley was not the only member of the community that was quick to jump to Phil's defense: "If you remember two weeks ago on a Sunday, it was probably 60, 65 degrees," handler John Griffiths told WXIX in Phil's defense. "So, I mean, that basically counts as an early spring."

The question of whether there is a Corporate conspiracy involved here is not as important as the other questions and concerns held by the community, who in addition to professing love for their amateur meteorologist also feel that his occasional mistakes should be accepted as the cost of being an amateur; besides which they have a lot invested in his ongoing hobby, which is crucial to the local economy.

According to the Pennsylvania Department of Tourism, Punxsutawney Phil is the biggest tourism draw in the state, followed by the Little League World Series.  In addition to the official forecast which takes place in the morning at Gobbler's Knob, there are a large number of sanctioned and unsanctioned events, including the annual Groundhog Ball, Phil Phest, and six different musical events.

The World is taking the Indictment Seriously

Phil is reportedly unconcerned about the charges, and in a private address to the members of the community and the clubs that help host his annual events, went so far as to suggest that should the Ohio Prosecutor somehow manage to obtain an extradition order, he would rely upon Jury Nullification as his ace-in-the-hole.

While Phil appears to consider the matter something of a joke, the rest of the world is taking it very seriously indeed, and grass roots Free Phil Movements are cropping up on every continent out of a very real concern that Prosecutor Gmoser may intend to carry out the sentence himself.  

To better understand the world's reaction, all that you need do is read the headlines from newspapers that are carrying the story and following Phil's plight:

• Groundhog ‘Indicted:’ Punxsutawney Phil Charged With Fraud (One News)
• Groundhog ‘Indicted:’ Punxsutawney Phil Charged With Fraud (Epoch Times)
• Groundhog indicted: Punxsutawney Phil charged for bad forecast (KTRK)
• Groundhog Phil a furry felon over false forecast (Toledo News)
• Groundhog Phil a furry felon over false forecast (Lebanon Daily News)
• Groundhog Phil 'indicted,' accused of lying (KITV)
• Groundhog Phil 'indicted,' accused of lying (WMTW)
• Punxsutawney Phil Indicted For ‘Misrepresentation Of Early Spring’ (CBS2 New York)
• Punxsutawney Phil charged with fraud for early spring forecast (Yahoo)
• Punxsutawney Phil 'indicted' in chilly Ohio (USA Today)
• Punxsutawney Phil's 2013 Forecast: Groundhog Receives 'Indictment' Over Inaccurate Prediction (Huffington Post)
• Weather groundhog Phil 'indicted,' accused of lying as winter continues (CNN)

Just to be sure that we are all on the same page, this is humor in the same vein as the original indictment...

. . . Constructive Criticism

Flying through Battleship Row at Pearl Harbor in an Army Air Corps P-40N Warhawk

All newspapers are not created equal.  

What I mean by that is that some are better than others, and not just because they have better writers (though that really does help a lot) but because they have a strong editorial staff with a clear vision of the community that they serve, and as a result of that vision have established a sound editorial policy, employing a firm but fair hand, offer their writers the support of oversight while demanding at least a minimum level of both quality and competency from them (whether that be Staff Writers or Freelance Writers), and they have embraced a philosophy of ethical journalism that precludes the use of tactics like hacking voicemail boxes and, well, you get the idea.

The paper that I write for is a good paper in my opinion.  It fulfills all of the above requirements and more, the editorial staff are seasoned veterans and while it may not really like the idea, it is cheerfully heading into this second decade of the new century having embraced the idea that newspapers have to have an online digital element to them, and as a result the paper is adding more and more features to its award-winning website.  How cool is that?

The reason that I began this post with that subject is that I want to now segue into expressing my opinion that The Guardian is also a very fine newspaper -- in fact if we reduce the pool for purposes of comparison to just newspapers in the United Kingdom, well then The Guardian is an amazingly fine newspaper with sterling character, very high quality editing, and an editorial policy that is spot-on amazing.  It is not that I don't think much of newspapers in the UK, more that I don't think much of newspapers in the UK, but when I do think about newspapers in the UK, I think about The Guardian. 

I read newspapers online -- I have been doing so for about as long as newspapers have been publishing online versions of their print version, and I do this to supplement my offline newspaper reading -- which consists of The Cape Cod Times every day (naturally) and The Boston Globe every few days.  Add to that diet online newspaper reading that includes The Sydney Morning Herald (Australia), The Guardian (UK), and Noordhollands Dagblad (Netherlands).  

The story behind those choices is actually pretty simple: I read the Cape Cod Times because in addition to writing for it I also happen to live on Cape Cod, and it is the best source for news in my region, well, period.  I read the Boston Globe mostly to keep tabs on what bands are appearing where, what the upcoming events are, and because I have friends who write for it and I like to keep an eye on what they are writing about because that's how I roll.  Literally.  Roll I mean..  If you knew me you would be laughing right now.

I read the SMH because I like to keep track of happenings in Oz, and although I did not grow up in or anywhere near Sydney, I was at Uni there, and besides it is better than the papers from Byron Bay, which is where I grew up (I should probably admit that I sometimes read the Byron Shire News online as well since we are shooting for complete transparency here).  

Team Alkmaar (j/k)

I read Noordhollands Dagblad because we have family there (in addition to serving as the regional newspaper for North Holland it is also the local paper for Alkmaar, which is the OTHER cheese city of Holland) and in addition to being happy to read about important events in Alkmaar the paper also gives me the scores for football -- I am not a fan of Manchester United which is what most expat Aussies will say they are when the subject is European football, in fact I freely admit that when I cheer on a team it is usually AZ (Alkmaar Zaanstreek) and Ajax (Amsterdamsche Football Club Ajax) specifically in that order.  I don't have a favorite Aussie football team.

I read The Guardian to keep track of what is happening in the UK as it has pretty decent coverage of the two areas of news that I am interested in: Technology and Culture.  The Tech Section there has really good coverage for one thing, and it is also a pretty accurate measuring stick as to what tech (and video games) people in the UK are interested in.  The Culture section also have great coverage and offers insight into important social movements like Dr. Who, and what books and movies are rising in popularity.  Really.

The Guardian is one of the older newspapers in the UK -- it was originally founded in 1821 as the Manchester Guardian -- and it is generally considered to be a British National Newspaper of the same caliber as the modern day London Times (while The Times was founded in 1785 its sister paper, The London Sunday Times, was also founded in 1821).  I could probably get the same level of coverage information-wise from The Times but as I know a few people who write for The Guardian, like The Globe I am slaying two dragons with one newspaper in multi-tasking; getting the news and keeping tabs on what my mates are writing...

Howitt found the graphics to be substandard - I thought they were just fine...

And Now We Get to the Point...

All of that stuff above, though intended to be pleasant, brings us to the reason I was reading The Guardian and happened upon a review of the freshman video game title from Mad Catz Interactive (yes, the PC peripheral and gaming controller company) -- Damage Inc. Pacific Squadron WWII -- which was released on the 28th of August for Xbox 360, PS3, and Windows PC. 

The review in question is simply called "Damage Inc Pacific Squadron WWII -- review" and it was written on Friday, 31 August 2012, for The Guardian by freelance writer Grant Howitt and published in the online edition of The Guardian in the News > Technology > Games section -- and for all I know it was also published in the meatspace version of the paper as well.  Howitt defines himself in his official writer's profile on the site as being passionate for writing about games, declares that he is "on a quest to discover the perfect sandwich" and confesses that he drinks too much coffee.  I am not being snarky when I add that I am unsure why that information would be helpful for the reader in the process of assessing the potential value of the words that any writer creates, but there you have it.

There are several reasons that Howitt's review of the game caught my attention: (1) it was one of the games that I previewed and attended the press briefing on at this year's E3; (2) it is one of the games I am presently playing -- the other is Risen 2: Dark Waters; (3) it is my current game review candidate; and (4) the blurb for the game review starts out with "An otherwise disappointing aerial shooter..."

It was number four that caused me to click on the review, and as I read through it I confess to being first irritated, then disappointed, and finally irritated again.  The reasons? 

I could easily say "too numerous to list" but that would be a lie and the only reason to tell that lie would be to save the feelings of the freelance writer who wrote that review.  If they were someone I know (he is not) I might actually have simply chalked it off to the vagaries of opinion and let it go.  In fact I might have done that anyway, except that as I finished reading that game review I realized that the person who wrote it had not actually played the game.  That really irritated me.

Grant Howitt

The Guardian is not a bush-league community weekly; being hired to write a game review for it is actually something that any freelance writer should feel proud of, because it is not simply recognition of their talent as a writer, but it is an opportunity to speak directly to the readers of that newspaper; an opportunity to begin building your own following.  

All that a writer would need to do -- once they managed to get past that first massive brick wall of access (being asked to write the review in other words) -- is a good job.  A proper and sincere job.  The job that they were commissioned to do, and to do the best they could do and then polish that.

Even if the reviewer is sticking to minimal efforts, well then at a minimum they would need to play the game from the start to the finish; they would need to explore its nooks and crannies, look for the ways that it shines, and look for the elements that need improving.  They would accurately identify any bugs that existed and write about them, because that is information that is not only useful to the reader, but a major reason why they read game reviews in the first place!  Even if the writer was only making the minimal effort they would still want to find a hook to hang the review upon; and after they put that entire package together, they would want to treat the readers with the respect that they deserve.

It may help you in understanding my reaction if you understand the sense of the duty and obligation that I believe the reviewer owes to their audience before we continue...  

A game review is not just an article in which you tell the readers whether or not you liked a game, it is an examination of the game in which the writer explores what the game has to offer the players -- both as entertainment and from the point of view of value -- because the vast majority of that audience routinely uses game reviews as part of the process of deciding what games they will buy and play.  It is a formal expression of the experiences that the writer had in playing the game as preparation for the review process, and when it is done correctly can be an amazing demonstration of the abilities and the gift that the writer has for the craft.

I mention above the debt that we, as writers, owe to our readers.  I was not kidding, I genuinely believe that such a debt exists.  And not simply because without the demand that the readers create for this sort of content, editors would not hire us to write it, but also because they are the audience!  

The readers are the true source and the force responsible for a large part of the job that we do -- and being paid to play video games really is work -- because it is the need to serve that audience that is the source of the demand that causes editors to assign game reviews in the first place, and because of that natural relationship we owe them, at the bare minimum, an honest and ethical truthful review. 

Just after I returned home from E3 I wrote another blog entry that touches upon the subject of game reviews and games journalism (Speaking of . . . When Writers Attack), and in that blog entry I observed:

"The games beat is a great beat, full of interesting stories and dedicated people, but more important than that, it is a beat that serves an audience who wants to read what we have to say -- something that is not true about every beat in journalism -- and that relies upon us to tell them the truth; to keep them informed about subjects that are important to them. 

"They trust us to refrain from allowing our personal feelings (or lack of them) for a title to shade or influence what we say about it, and to speak to them (not at them) every time.  The trust that they place in us is an earned thing, not to be taken lightly, and never sacrificed for petty reasons.  It is a trust that extends beyond the by-line, and often invests itself in the publication that we write for -- and vice-versa.

"When you are writing on this beat is important not to get it wrong; it is critical that when we write about a game we write from a position of informed knowledge and personal experience because we were there, and we put into it the proper effort.  It is critical that we employ an ethical approach to the stories we write, and that we meet the standards set for us not just by our publications, but by the community we serve -- and that we never forget, not even for a moment, that the privilege that we enjoy as members of the games journalism community is drawn from the gaming community.  Our readers.

"There are different levels of betrayal that we can commit -- and at the very top of the list there is one form of betrayal that the readers will not tolerate, and that is the act of faking it."

When I wrote those words above they were all true.  They still are.  Writing on this beat -- being paid to write on this beat -- for many writers is the mountaintop.  It not only provides an opportunity -- and if you are very lucky a regular opportunity -- to share your opinions with your audience, it allows you to get paid to do the two activities that we love the most in this world: writing, and playing video games.  In that order.

When you write on this beat the obligation to tell the truth is not simply one you owe to the publication that has trusted you with speaking for it -- and it is not simply an obligation that you owe to your readers and yourself -- it is a moral imperative, because like a butterfly that moves from flower to flower, and tree to tree, the words that you write often have consequences far distant and often devastating.  

Your words and ideas will have an impact beyond the review that you write, because once that review is published and your audience reads it, they will share the opinion they have formed -- the opinion that you assisted them in forming --  with others.  And like the proverbial stone dropped into a glassy-smooth pond, the ripples will spread and spread the further away from your review they go.  Further down in the blog post I quoted above I cautioned the reader:

Understand something -- offering an opinion about a game is not the same thing as judging it and finding it wanting -- and when as a games journalist you do harshly judge a game, you had damn well better be right.  And able to explain the reasons and reasoning behind that opinion.  Because when you pass judgement on a title and that judgement is negative, there is an assumption that you know what you are talking about.  Especially if you are the only one saying the bad things you are saying.

The wide selection of historically accurate planes were a blast to fly, and the game earned high marks for delivering just what it promised to deliver -- an addictive romp through history in a combat flight sim.

When It Isn't What It Is

I knew that this was going to be bad from the first paragraph of the review, because Howitt starts out comparing the real-world event of the Japanese attack on the US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, with the imaginary character in the game, upon whom Howitt lays the blame for all of America's failures in the war.   While we should not take that sort of thing too seriously -- literary license and all -- it is Howitt's willingness to offend by marginalizing the deaths of  2008 sailors, 218 soldiers, 109 Marines, and 68 civilians in order to score a zinger in contrasting the images that will easily offend. 

After making that baseless comparison Howitt goes on to state that the protagonist of the game, a Naval Aviator named Bobby, cannot fly, and "crashed explosively into nearby buildings at every opportunity."  Howitt explains that Bobby has a "propensity for crashing into the ground whenever he tries to shoot at anything below his level and his inability to take off without wobbling the plane around like a trolley with a broken wheel."  

Howitt then proceeds to criticize the games controls, singling out the Reflex Mode (which has the effect of slowing time down and zooming the player's POV in) implying that the bulk of the game will likely be played using the Reflex Mode since it made combat easier for him, summing it up by allowing that "dogfights are often nothing more than a race to the enemy planes before hitting the magical slow-motion button and calmly blowing them away."

Howitt then takes a cheap shot at actor Ben Affleck,  complains that the amount of planes that the player can shoot down completely violates "Damage Inc's (SIC) promises of realism" and then complains that the game looks to him "of being made on a shoestring in an attempt to flog joysticks" and takes it to task for cheesy dialogue that he complains is both under-acted and over-acted. 

After several more paragraphs of words that had nothing of substance to offer the reader about the game other than how much Howitt was disappointed with it or did not like it, how he couldn't get the Flight Stick to work properly, and how he was bothered by the decals that came with the game that depicted "either sharks or flames or busty pin-up ladies" -- and that following his use of an allusion to a penis as the section header for his reflections on the flight stick, which save for the dedicated throttle control was evidently a major disappointment for him.

After whinging about the flight stick Howitt sums up his review with his conclusions, which are that its name -- Damage Inc. -- in his opinion promises more than it can possibly deliver, he finally concludes that gamers should go out and purchase a much better combat flight simulator for their PC -- but Howitt cannot be bothered to actually suggest a title.  Gah.

What is Wrong?

Familiarization with the controls in Damage Inc. takes an average of around 20 minutes for the traditional console Gamepad, and about the same amount of time for the AV8R Flight Stick that comes with the CE version of the game.  Far from making the game harder to control, the Flight Stick actually adds a much higher level of finesse to the flying experience, but it seems that Howitt never discovered that -- and I suspect that the reason for his failing to discover it stems from his not actually playing the game beyond the first few minutes before he reviewed it.  I have reasons for believing that...

Before we get to those though, I want to address Howitt's slam against the game and the controls.  He opens his review with the observation that the protagonist lacks basic flying and combat skills.  What he fails to mention is that it was not the character or the game at fault, it was Howitt himself.  The game does not fly the plane for you, it does not shoot the guns for you, and it does not take off (or land) for you.  The player does all of that.  So when Howitt complains about all of that what he is actually doing is illustrating for us that (A) he does not know how to play combat flight simulator games, (B) he did not continue to play the game long enough to acclimate to the controls and LEARN how to play, and (C) he is demonstrably unaware of the genre and sub-genre that this game was created for and what that naturally implies it will contain.

Howitt accuses the folks at Mad Catz of simply making a game in order to promote the sale of their AV8R Flight Stick controller.  The problem with that accusation is that Mad Catz admitted that from the start and never pretended -- or said -- that it was doing anything other than that.  

"Damage Inc. is part of our strategy of publishing key software titles which complement our hardware business," said Darren Richardson, President and CEO of Mad Catz. "We believe that when partnered with the AV8R FlightStick, Damage Inc., presents a unique gaming experience that will resonate with passionate gamers."

The quote above is from the press release the company issued to announce the release of the game on August 28th, but it is not new information -- variations of that information were presented in many of the releases that were issued about the game.

With respect to Howitt's contention that the game promised to be realistic and the fact that you can shoot down many more planes than is realistic set aside, what the company promised -- and delivered -- was a historically realistic game.   The selection of airplanes (both US and Japanese) that the players are treated to and are able to fly represent spot-on historically correct representations of the planes, which was what Mad Catz promised to deliver -- and as far the name "Damage Inc." containing unspoken, unwritten, and apparently save for Howitt, undecipherable promises?

What irritated me was that Howitt's review was not a game review, it was an article on why Howitt was disappointed with a game he did not actually play.   He got assigned to review a game for a newspaper that deserved to get a proper review, which intended to present a proper review to its readers, and what they got was advice to buy a combat flight sim for their PC.

Frankly I was shocked that the editor at The Guardian published that "review" -- but I am not blaming them. 

Howitt examined the game and found it wholly wanting.  I have played it now for a little over 30 hours and found it to be a fun romp through history with some hidden gems that make up the optional side-quests that are not part of the briefings -- like my protecting JFK's PT Boat during one of the missions.   In another undocumented gem, during an airfield attack mission in which the P-38 Lightning was the plane being used, a transport tried to escape by flying over the hills after the field was attacked and the game took only slight notice of it, announcing that it was trying to escape and must be carrying someone important...  After shooting down the plane the circumstances clicked and I realized in a small epiphany that I had just shot down the transport carrying Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto!  Damage Inc. not a historic play?  Pshaw!

Violating my own rule about not replying to things I see online that I don't like for a full 24-hours delay -- a policy that for the most part keeps me from replying at all because a day later the disgust, disappointment, or whatever emotional reaction that I had experienced the day before had mostly worn off, allowing me to conclude that there was nothing to be accomplished in writing a post on the subject -- I wrote a comment below the review on The Guardian's site.

Based upon Howitt's reply in his comment to my comment you cannot tell what his actual reaction was (other than sarcasm), but read his reaction via his Twitter account and it becomes much clearer.   

When you offer unsolicited and free advice to people -- especially writers -- you have to be prepared for the idea that they either do not want your advice, do not value your advice, or will react badly to being provided constructive criticism.  Howitt thoughtfully explained to me that based upon his impressions of my website I have nothing to teach him -- which is fine with me as I did not have the heart to tell him that he misunderstood the whole point of my comment to his review, which was not intended to teach him anything at all, it was intended to function as a voice in which I could express my disappointment and disgust -- if he learned something from that, well hey, that is a bonus for him as I got what I wanted from the experience; and all things being equal I feel like Howitt got more than what he paid for my pearls of wisdom, but I am not going to let it go at that :)

I was stuck for the theme for the chapter of the book I am writing on how to break into the games beat, and now I have found it.  Silver linings, they pop up everywhere.