Friday, September 20, 2013

. . . CDC Identified Previously Unknown “Tuesday-Flu” Epidemic

The mysterious and widespread illness that severely impacted rail and air transportation, the financial sector, manufacturing, and public services industries in nearly every major city in the United States this Tuesday AM has been identified as a previously unknown variant of “G4M3r Flu.”

Researchers at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the CDC National Center for Environmental Health, with assistance from CDC Division of Bio-Terrorism Preparedness and Response in Atlanta, succeeded this morning in identifying the virus.

“What we have here is a previously unknown strain of the G4M3r Flu,” Dr. Benjamin F. Pierce of the CDC's rapid-response unit, explained to the assembled news media outside the CDC′s Roybal Campus in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

“Interestingly enough, agents from the Division of Bio-Terrorism Preparedness and Response were able to walk-back what develops was a series of simultaneous infection vectors,” Pierce revealed.

“It appears that all of the vectors originate from the very same Patient Zero -- or rather Patients Zero, as in plural.

“It seems that some time last week the pair were initially exposed to the new strain of a previously unknown secret virus due to improper sanitation habits -- they shared a bottle of champagne without using glasses -- at a development studio located at Calton Square 1, Greenside Row, Edinburgh, Scotland.

“Patients Zero -- they are brothers from the same mother but with very potty-mouths -- have been identified as Dan and Sam Houser -- and were evidently celebrating some sort of event related to their businesses, and giving a speech to staff at the original infection vector in Edinburgh.

"I would also like to add Hotel Oscar Lima Yankee Sierra Hotal India Tango! just because I like to sound cool that way," Pierce said. 

After quaffing an ice-cold can of Rockstar Energy Drink -- available in over 20 amazing flavors in over 30 countries -- Pierce continued his address to the press while smacking his lips audibly and repeating "Nom, Nom, Nom!"

“As near as we can determine, the pair then proceeded by private business jet -- the bastards -- to perform similar talks at locations in Leeds, Lincoln, and London, before departing the UK.

“They then traveled to North America, making stops in Andover, Massachusettes, New York City, and Toronto, before flying on to San Diego, and finally to an undisclosed location in Japan.

“It appears that at each of these stops the pair delivered the same speech, and then proceeded to repeat the same very unsanitary sharing of beverages -- champagne,” Dr. Pierce explained.

“What we can be sure of is that the virus was both created and spread -- the distinction is not clear at the present time -- by the Houser brothers, who then passed it on to wave after wave of apparently willing victims throughout the world.

“The rapid spread of the 0-Day virus -- which has now been formally named as GTA-V -- transitioned to epidemic levels by 23:59 this past Monday -- that would be 16 September -- and as unbelievable as this sounds, within 24 hours infected something on the order of nearly 14-million first-wave victims!

“No wonder nobody showed up for work on Tuesday morning!” Pierce declared.

Willing Victims line up to be infected with 0-Day GTA V Influenza, increasing the odds that they will not be in for work the in the morning by, oh, I don't know?  100 percent?

Unique Circumstances to Blame for Simultaneous Global Infection

In this case a startling but unique set of circumstances permitted nearly simultaneous global infection and the subsequent spread of the virus before any national agencies became aware of the dangers.

Calling the official reaction a “Colosse au pied d'Argile” members of the French version of the CDC called for a retreat while Congress in the United States and Australia held emergency sessions to determine if video game violence could somehow be related to the nearly 14-million dollars in sales for GTA-V.

Sources close to the studio that created the game offered this official response to those allegations: “Duh?!”

While hard numbers are presently unavailable, sources in the know at parent company 2K speculate that the numbers for 17 September 2013 will easily exceed the infection rate from the previous outbreak of 29 April 2008, and pointed out that nobody held them responsible for the massive loss of productivity and man-hours during the GTA-IV Pandemic, so it would not really be fair to do so for this one...

The “0-Day GTA” virus -- now understood to be a variant of the “G4M3r influenza virus” has been reported to be more effective than Viagra in at least 439,721 cases reported in the United States, including 14 in Indiana, 2 in Michigan, 1 in Illinois, and 1 in Ohio, in which the effects lasted for way longer than four hours.

There has been one hospitalization due to a panic attack caused when the victims Xbox 360 displayed the "Red Ring of Death," though no actual deaths beyond that one documented Xbox 360 have been recorded among the patients.  

It should be noted that absolutely NO human-to-human spread has been identified because that capability will not be available until 1 October of this year.

When this virus occurs in teenagers, it is called “unauthorized access to an M-Rated Title” by the ESRB, whose approval is sought but entirely superfluous considering how bent the rating board is in Australia -- we are just saying.

Infection Vector - Insert Disc 1

Too much time on my hands, it's ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands, it's hard to believe such a calamity

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